DJ One-Liners

[Hugmaster 0]

Hi folks

 

Myself and my gorgeous girlfriend went to Centerparks last week for a well earned rest.

 

However, I've come back with tonsillitis and totally screwed up sinuses, but that's besides the point.

 

One of the nights was spent at a party with a kids entertainer, a band and the disco.

 

The entertainer was pretty good, kept the kids quiet, the band were stunningly average and the disco fell into the catagory of

 

1. Great sound system, shame he didn't know how to make it sound good.

 

2. Spoke too fast

 

3. spoke too often

 

Having said all of the above, he had a couple of good one-liners that I thought I'd put into my own show.

 

So the question is, what are you fave one-liners you've either heard or say yourself as part of a show.

 

Below are a few of mine...

 

"Bad news folks, the sitting down in your seat all night sponsored event has been canselled"

 

"Ok, we want as many good looking people on the floor as we can fit...all the ugly folks can stay right where you are, you know who you are"

 

"Kids, if your mum and dad won't dance with you, don't worry, it's only because they don't love you enough"

 

There are more, but you get the idea.

 

Obviously, you have to use a certain amount of judgement as to when you use these type of lines.

 

Darren

[BigBen 0]

I know what you mean Darren. I went away to Fuerteventura in June and every night was spent watching some sort of entertainment. I learnt something from every performance - the best by far was a magician who was on stage for about an hour, but only did six tricks - the rest of his act was one-liners, audience participation and jokes. He was amazing.

 

Anyway, when introducing myself at the beginning of the night and invivting requests from the audience, you always get the clever "turn it off" or "play something decent" replies. When appropriate I use a Steve Martin comeback for this one "... I remember my first beer too..."

 

Ususally goes down pretty well.

[Gary 0]

At the end of a wedding:

 

"...and dont forget you two, we offer a 10% discount for the Christening disco...if its within 8 months..."

 

"...Im impressed, theres no handbags on the dancefloor...except the one belonging to that guy over there with the flowery shirt."

 

"now you asked me for something from the 70s sir, did you ask your taylor the same thing.?"

[Dukesy 0]

Can't remember them all (loads over the years) - I leave it to being spontaneous and natural on the night! http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/rolleyes.gif

 

An assiduous one-liner is always right for the moment - and hard to replicate sometimes!

Edited August 17, 2004 by discodirect

[otronics 0]

"Warning! The buffet is about to commence!"

 

After:

 

"You all seem to be alive and well after the buffet, so lets get started..."

 

 

[DJ Marky Marc 0]

I have a DMC T shirt that says it all on the back!

 

"F http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/censored2.gif CK OFF IM MIXING"

 

Dont need one liners after that !

[Paul Smith 0]

'You should go and stand against the wall'

 

'Why?'

 

'That's plastered as well!' http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/bash.gif

[YourBigEvent 0]

QUOTE

I have a DMC T shirt that says it all on the back! "F  CK OFF IM MIXING"

 

Must get one of those for the next big wedding I'm doing in a marquee, I'm sure it would go down well, I hope you don't wear it a private gigs.

[DJTREV 0]

QUOTE-I have a DMC T shirt that says it all on the back!

 

"F CK OFF IM MIXING"

 

Thats made my night.First I find out that I dont have the music(on another thread)now I find out I'm wearing the wrong clothes.Sod it I think I wil try and get a job as a Bingo caller!!!

 

My apologies to Eskie but thats as close as I can get to humour http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/whistling.gif http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/rolleyes.gif http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/071.gif

[Daz35 0]

QUOTE

"F  CK OFF IM MIXING

 

A rather weak attempt at humour by DMC, I'd say http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/533.gif

[Kingy 0]

Agree with you Daz35, just NOT funny at all!

 

Some of the one liners used by the stand ups are very good, you just need to clean them up. You can generally get away with inuendo, but there is no need to swear!

 

I find it easier and better recieved to pick on the guys rather than the ( sometimes over sensative) girlies.

 

First man on the dance floor usually gets " AND TONIGHT LADIES & GENTLEMEN, REPRESENTING THE "DOUGLAS BADER" SCHOOL OF DANCING....." http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[ChrisPointon 0]

QUOTE

"F *CK OFF IM MIXING"

 

Would be difficult to get a tie to match with that at a Wedding Reception http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/rolleyes.gif

 

There is nothing on his post to indicate that he would wear that to any Gig, but if he does or other DJ's would, I can see now why so many clients are wary of DJ's in general http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/wallbash.gif .

 

I used to own a 90's Mastermix "Good DJ" (On the Front) and ":cense: Crowd" (on the back), but it was never worn at any function, nor would I have even considered it...at least not whilst the medication was working....

 

You can be close to the bone, and humerous without resorting to swearing or literally abusing your audience.

[C.S 0]

2 months ago,

 

Woman - " All the guests here are over 30, i am 30 and the music you have been playing all night has been rubbish, you are a dreadful dj "

 

Me - " are you only 30 ? "

[DJTREV 0]

Quote-Woman - " All the guests here are over 30, i am 30 and the music you have been playing all night has been rubbish, you are a dreadful dj

 

I dont think I could cope with something like that.It would worry me for days.

 

It has happened once but he was a young smarta:cense:e and drunk,but nevertheless it took me days to get over it.

[ChrisPointon 0]

QUOTE

I dont think I could cope with something like that.It would worry me for days

 

Trev, you really need to stop taking these sorts of comments so seriously and personal. Most of these idiots at gigs who feel so qualified to pass such a sweeping comment without actually knowing you are only doing it in the hope that it will get to you.

[Gary 0]

Unfortunately, there are still a few pompus egotistical, bigheaded DJs out there(though not active on this forum) who would consider wearing the above "f off, im mixing" Tshirt.

 

Maybe a more DJU style Tshirt should be released with "Be with you in two ticks, im mixing" http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/laugh.gif

 

 

An off~mic one-liner, for when the r'n'b chick staggers up to you, fighting her way through a packed dancefloor, to say:

 

"When are you going to play some decent music?"

 

reply:

 

"When some decent people turn up..."

 

 

 

In the interests of customer service, immediately add the question, "What track would you like me to play for you, when all these people have finished dancing to their requests?"

 

A non-humourous, but very informative mic line is "well folks, we've got lots of different age groups here tonight, so we'll be playing lots of different styles of music...it wont be 60s music all night long, or chart music, or R'n'B...but a good mixture of something for everyone."

 

This works great at multi~age functions like Christmas do's where theres 10 tables of 18 year olds, and 10 tables of people pushing 50+...

[DJ Marky Marc 0]

I do wear the T shirt, but only when playing night clubs in essex http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/rolleyes.gif , trying to expalin what it means to someone at there wedding is not what i need !

[Dj_Kray 0]

I do like to chat and get involved with the crowd when im playing in the clubs just as much if not more than when i do mobile gigs http://www.dj-forum.co.uk/html/emoticons/533.gif